


Only the Good Die Young

by IfMulderCouldSeeMeNow



Category: The X-Files, The X-Files: I Want To Believe (2008)
Genre: F/M, Scully doens't die canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2018-01-07 02:59:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1114687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IfMulderCouldSeeMeNow/pseuds/IfMulderCouldSeeMeNow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She'd heard that 'Only the good die young' so what did that mean of her years; nearly 130 from the start of the 2012 journal labeled: 'Dana Katherine Scully'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only the Good Die Young

 

"Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart." _  
_ _―_ _Haruki Murakami_ _,_ _Kafka on the Shore_

* * *

"Mulder," she whispered, her voice raspy and sleep-deprived. He nuzzled his head into her neck with a soft sound acknowledging that he heard her. "Do…Will you miss me?" He shifted, bringing her closer to him, suddenly evident of the seriousness of their conversation.

"Of Course," He responded in the most serious voice he could muster. She shifted in his small hospital bed and looked in his eyes, tired and wrinkled at the edges like crink-cut French fries. He was only 55, but he was dying. Leaving her. The world was cruel.

"What's going to keep me going," she asked, tears forming in her eyes as he ran his shaking fingers through the strands of her long strawberry locks.

"If you quit now, they win." And he smiled. Smiled. He planted a kiss on her temple and she dragged her face up, claiming his lips, demanding to feel their warmth. "Remember me. Remember that I love you."  _Give me love._  She fell asleep in his warm arms and awoke to the screaming heart monitors. The nurses pull her body from his as she sobs for him to come back but knows he won't. She's not aging. She hasn't for a while now. How long will she be here?

' _I need this memory too.'_

_'Ple-Please, I have so few left' she begs_

* * *

She woke up from her dream and shook her head. She kept having these dreams where someone was taking her memories, but the funny thing is- she could never remember what they took. When she woke, she remembered it for a second and then it was gone, like it was never hers to begin with. Despite the lost memory, she can still hear the voice in her head. It's the one voice that's remained consistent over her many years. She began writing in a journal, now battered and broken years and years ago, when Dana Scully realized she wasn't aging. She calls the woman Dana Scully because she's not her; hasn't been for a while. Dana Scully had a Mulder, and a son. People named Reyes, Skinner, Dogget and a mother. She has none of those things, not even the memory of them. The woman sitting in bed, absently pushing long hair like rope from her face reads about these characters like they are form the fiction novels of the past, which to her, they are. Dana Scully adopted an alias a while ago, and it is what everyone in this world knows her as: Laura Petrie. She would have no memory of being a 'Dana Scully' if not for the book, with pages marked all the way back in 2012. She was alive in 2012…2012! According to the book, she once had memories of colonization but now she only has the handwritten journal scrawled in handwriting that is a bit neater than her own, like a professional, and the history books that line the library. From the book, she knows that her memories have been being removed for nearly 100 years, and every time she pulls up the page marked particularly to remind her of the fact, she is startled. Whoever is trying to remove her memories, albeit successfully, is sure taking their time. Dana wrote in the book that she felt like Jim Carrey in 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,' but she doesn't really understand the reference. She'd searched the databases in the past for a Jim Carrey but found nothing. Whenever she has one of these experiences, she writes it down in her book, following the pattern that Dana Scully set up years ago, and falling under the alias that Scully (she doesn't know why, but Scully sounds so much more comfortable than Dana) set up. Now she uses Laura Petrie. Maybe this is another reference that Scully would enjoy because she wrote about 'snuggling up like baby cats' in parenthesis, possibly hoping that her future self will have some sort of epiphany and remember. She doesn't. Her friends call her Laura. She never tells them everything, but her friend Martha was close to her; she noticed things…felt things.

* * *

" _You haven't aged a day since we met nearly 10 years ago, Laura."_

" _You flatter me."_

" _No, really. Remember when you used to talk about those memories of a past self, about losing your memories…I think you were right."_

_She's alarmed, happy that someone believed her but so terrified at the same time; for so long she wanted someone to believe her and now she doesn't know how to handle it. "No," she hesitates, not telling the woman about the journal and offering a chuckle to lighten up the mood, "there's no reason to tease me, Martha."_

" _Seriously, Laur"her friend flips her brown curls behind her shoulders and pulls a book from her purse. "Remember when you said you had memories of being 'Dana Scully' I looked her up and she's in our history books!" The woman flipped the thick book open after smelling it and moved her agile fingers until she finds the page she wants "you know, this was a bogger to find, real books. There's so few now and I tracked this down in the 17_ _th_ _district and bought it off of one of those craxy underground collectors." She moves her eyes over the page and starts pointing like a madwoman. "See, here she is!"_

_As Laura reads over the pages, she realizes that she was right, that she wasn't crazy. She also realizes that she no longer has the memories of fighting against the aliens in Colonization. From Martha's ramblings she knows she once spoke of Colonization like she'd been there, but now all she had was a second-hand account from her journal, just like the book she was currently reading. She didn't have the heart to tell Martha these memories had been taken years previously, so she just nods and says 'Wow,' ever the skeptic._

" _Wow is right, Laur! I mean," She whispers, as not to be heard by those who may be listening, "Have you ever heard of past lives?" When Laura shakes her head, despite suspecting this initially and then tossing the idea, her friend goes on. "Just think, ok, hear me out. So, you were this Scully woman, what 50 years ago and when she died, you were reborn! See, See right here," she points at the book. "Right after Colonization was stopped, she disappeared. The book says that she couldn't stop her son when he was a small kid, maybe she offed herself?"Laura recoils, remembering the stories she read about Dana Scully's boy, William, in the journal. She was happy she had no memories of him because from what she could tell, they would leave her shattered._

" _Then why would I be here?"_

" _Well, we're like 50," Ok, sure we are, Laura let her have that one; it wouldn't do her good to tell her friend that she had no childhood memories, that she just…was. "Girl, that's 50 years! Don't you see, you're like her reincarnation or something!" Laura leaned back in her chair, recovering from the chills up her arms. Had she really not been 'Dana Scully' for 50 years? Sure she had a boatload of memories as Dana Scully but they were bits and pieces. She used to have a coherent, comprehensive timeline of life but now she had bits and pieces. A birthday here, Skinner there, but always Mulder. So many memories of Mulder. Mulder walking, Mulder smiling, breathing, running, winking, talking. She wondered how long she would have memories of Mulder and how many she'd lost already, already feeling disconnected from the man that she knew she knew so well. She got chills from the thought and leaned back._

" _What Laur? Think I'm spooky?" Goosflesh spread over the entireity of her skin. That line, being 'Spooky' was important to her, but she couldn't remember why. The woman raised her eyebrows and smiled, placing the book back in her purse._

_The next morning she woke to find that her friend was killed for treason. The book was a rare find, supposedly burned years ago._

* * *

That was 80 years ago, and Martha was long dead. There have been other Martha's, Mary's, Rachel's, Lauren's since then, but nothing as like Martha. She hasn't shared 'Dana Scully' with anyone except her book since then. In all fairness, she's no longer Laura Petrie, or any of the aliases she uses. One day she'll figure it out. She's jumped districts, finally realizing that at one point she was this 'Dana Scully' and wishes to rid herself of her, if only so she could live her own life. Of course in the 80 years since Martha she's been Laura Petrie again, but in another district, one far away.

From the book, she knows that there once weren't districts, although their history would say otherwise. There were always districts, it is the way out government has always worked and the way it would continue to work. The tattered pages tell her differently. They say there were once seven continents, and she lived on the one that housed 'The United States,' a group of states that formed a Country. Clever. At the moment she's Laura Petrie, but it won't be long before she has to move, and bid Jessicina, her latest friend of ten years goodbye. This non-aging skin really was quite a bother, but she was adapting. She'd tried dying her hair grey (which the journal had already warned against) but when you had blazing red roots pick their way through, the desired effect was lost. The charade could only carry on for so many years. Soon she'd be Georgina Hale, GG for short, and then maybe Tiffany Truman. These aliases were hard to come by, but luckily she had the book, giving her a handy list.

None of her friends call her 'Laur,' like Martha had, it's always been Laura since Martha-every time faithfully. The memories of fighting in Colonization have long gone and all she has are the memories of reading the book with Martha, smiling at Martha and later talking about the next handsome fellow she was going to set her friend up on a date with.  _'You're too hot to be alone, really Laur,"_  she would say, putting a finger to Laura's flesh and making a psssss sound.  _"See? And it's time someone cleaned the cobwebs out, oiled the engine."_  She'd slapped her friend on the arm for that remark, internally realizing that she only had memories of sex with Mulder, who in all actuality didn't belong to her. It felt wrong being with anyone else though. But now, things were different. Almost all of her memories of an old life, a life that her friend once called a  _'Past life'_ were gone. She could imagine being with someone. Last she'd counted, she had two memories left of Dana Scully's conscience, and that means she needed to be careful and listen to Scully's warnings. Before she had the memory of meeting Mulder and –and she couldn't remember, dammit. She can hear his voice in her head, soothing her and even though she can't remember why he's so important, she knows he is. And she loves him. Funny isn't it, to love someone you've only read about in a book and met once in your memories. He loves her too, that much she knows. Sometimes, she can hear him whispering to her, but she can't recall when he did so or why. She can't picture his lips saying the words because she only knows the grouchy Mulder; the one that questioned her integrity and was the FBI's most unwanted. He was different to the person whose memories she no longer possesses. That much she knows.

_I love you, Scully. Don't give up. If you quit now they win. He's beautiful, Scully._

She smiles when she hears one of his whisperings, but the most common one was:

_If you quit now, they win_

So she went on. People hoped and they lived. People lived and they died; except she didn't. She'd heard that 'Only the good die young' so what did that mean of her years; nearly 130 from the start of the 2012 journal labeled: 'Dana Katherine Scully'. She had no idea how old Scully was before 2012, but from the looks of her never-aging skin...maybe 40? 'Dana Katherine' didn't sound right. Scully. Yeah, Scully. She hadn't quit. Scully begun a journal that read like a cruel fairy tale, telling her to write down when she'd had a dream of losing a memory and what she could remember. It read like a storybook, but it never seemed like her own. The fight against aliens was Mulder's quest and it soon became hers; that much she knew. She'd read so in her journal. The aliens were gone, she'd made sure of it. She believed that at one point she had the memories that explained properly what her motivations were for continuously fighting but they were gone now. Now she was Laura Petrie, soon to be Georgina Hale and so on. This was a weird life.

Her memories disappeared, as if they were being collected meticulously by someone. She knew she was Scully and that she had a Mulder, but why was Mulder so important? Why wasn't he here with her if he was so damn important? Why did he need to collect her memories? She'd read why Mulder was so important but it just didn't make sense to Laura. She liked the name Laura too, loved being Laura-it was her favorite. Mulder was frequently written about over the years but now she only could remember being Dana Scully once in her life, when she walked into his office. She couldn't remember how she got there, who her parents were, or why she was at the door with the plaque that said 'Fox Mulder' but she knew that behind the door he was Mulder. This was the only memory she had of Dana Scully and the only one she had of the alleged Mulder. In her dreams, this memory always played, as if it were somehow a filmstrip, repeating itself until she woke up in the morning. From what she knew of Fox Mulder memory-wise, she couldn't see why Dana Scully had fallen for him. He was rude, arrogant, smug.  _And Cute. And he read your dissertation._  She didn't like him much, he was rude- but he  _had_ read her dissertation. That was kind of him. She didn't know what happened from that initial meeting except from the small paragraphs Scully had managed to etch in the book before the memory was gone forever. It didn't feel real though reading it from a book. She couldn't get the memory, the last memory, out of her head as she packed up the small amount of items she'd collected from her time in this district as Laura Petrie and prepared to move. By the time she'd finished it was nearly night and she remembered the paragraph somewhere in the beginning of the book by Scully.

* * *

_A person is defined by their memories, and since I am losing mine, I don't know who will be reading this, if anyone at all. So far, this process has been gut-wrenching and startling, so I hope that by trying to fill in some details of my conscience, I can shed some light for you. I don't know what to call you, so I'll use the alias I'm using now, 'Laura Petrie.' I imagine the displacement of my memories is going to continue to I only ask this. Once you have only one memory of being me, Dana Scully, left, burn this book. Burn in, for when you wake up, you'll no longer be weighed down by me. Laura, you'll still remember reading the book I believe, but it will be just like a storybook and you needn't drag it around like a ball and chain forever. So burn it for me, for us. It's weird talking to my future self-not self, and I know Mulder would get a kick out of this. I don't know where my memories are going, but I hope, I believe that someone must be collecting them and that maybe it's for the best. I want to believe._

_Me, you, us._

* * *

Her head was against the pillows now and she waited for sleep to come. She burned the book weeks ago after she moved and now she just waited. She'd kept the name Laura. She was tired of changing it. Laura sounded right, reminded her of Martha which comforted her when she to have the same dream repeat on and on. She would dream of him; of the first time they met and then she would wake up and go on, although she didn't quite know what that was any longer. But what if he was coming tonight to take her last memory of him? What if tonight was the night? Would she still love him, only having memories of reading of Mulder in books? Would she wake up as the same person still? Who was she? Certainly not Scully anymore. What was a person without their memories? She'd found friends in this world and they called her by different names; never Scully. Scully belonged to Mulder; she didn't; she wasn't her, only having one memory and the readings of a journal. What would happen when he took the last memory she had of life  _before?_ Would she die? Of course not. But would she want to? Would she be enough? Would he love her, love her like Mulder and Scully loved each other? Was she capable of that kind of love-she wasn't Scully. She closes her eyes, welcoming whatever life has to offer.

She's fading now, fading into the past. She no longer has the body of a 40 year old with long strawberry hair and freckled skin. She's young, younger than she looks now, her hair a dark curtain and her suit dreadful; Shoulder pads were so last century. But she's not her. She's Laura and that's Dana Scully. This is different from the times before, when she was Dana Scully. She didn't feel like Dana Scully anymore, like she'd switched bodies. She should knock now. That's what she did every time she had this dream. She would always knock. He would say 'Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted,' and she would scoff under her breath. She wouldn't knock this time, because she couldn't bear to hear him say he was unwanted. From what she'd read in the book, Dana Scully wanted him more than anything in the world. She'd remembered spending long nights up crying over Mulder, crying over Dana Scully's life. She wanted him, needed him, and even though Laura couldn't remember why, she knew Scully loved him. She pushes the door open without knocking and stops when she's surrounded by herself on the walls like a movie different pieces playing out on its own part of the four walls. This is different.

She feels Dana Scully. Feels Dana Scully taking over, finally able to see who Dana Scully really is. She's always felt odd living out her memories, knowing they weren't truly hers. Watching the  _real_  Scully feels right. And she's happy.

' _Thank you'_ Laura hears, so she leaves the body, somehow still watching the situation playing out in front of her. She sees herself no longer as Dana Scully but Laura Petrie. The story of Dana Scully is now full circle; no longer fragmented pieces of a life once lived. Scully is a piece of her, she has her features, but she feels herself; knows who she is after countless years of fear, doesn't know what it is like to be a Doctor, or a forensic pathologist, or a FBI Agents. She knows how to be herself, thought.. Being Scully is just like a dream, a story she will look back on and tell if she chooses, and she will. This is the life of Dana Scully, not her own and it's time for her to go back her own. So she does. And when she wakes up in the morning, she will no longer have memories of Mulder, he'll just be like a character in a book once read fondly, except he was real once. He was real to her and he was real to Scully. Scully was real, and she saved them all.

* * *

Dana Scully is standing in the room and looking at Mulder.

Her memories rush back into her mind like a raging river and she feels complete. Was this where he was collecting her? She sees her mother and remembers Maggie Scully, remembers her William- remembers  _Mulder_ in his entirety _._ She sees the back of his head, his hair thick and brown as he pours himself over slides, labeling them with her name, as if he doesn't know she's there. He was so beautiful. She misses him. She remembered the memory wipes, remembers writing about the fear of no longer being herself. Is this the final wiping of her memory? Giving them all back in this room before erasing them completely? She knows what happens next, she'll say eagerly 'Agent Mulder. I'm Dana Scully. I've been assigned to work with you.' She'll smile and offer her hand and he will speak of being highly regarded and tell her about her dissertation. He'll be sarcastic and curt and get under her skin but still make her smile. But she says nothing. She just wants to look at him. She doesn't know where she's been all these years, but she misses him. She just stands there, looking at his back, relishing in this moment before it disappears and she loses him again. No, this time is not like the others. She wants more; demands more. She's Dana Katherine Scully, but just Scully to him. She won't let him go like the other memories that have slipped from her mind over the years. She just got them back. She has them back and she wants to keep them. Instead she tests the waters with one word:

"Mulder." He turns around in his chair, shocked and smiles.

"Finally, Scully," he laments. "Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?" He turns around in his chair. "I finally collected all of you," he sighs pointing to the slides that he was previously hunched over at his desk a minute ago. He grabs his coat and the box with the slides, labeled 'Scully' and begins leaves the office briskly.

"Mu-Mulder!" She shouts after him, running to catch up, her dainty heels clicking on the cement. She's confused but happy because she's with him. She saw him die in his hospital bed. Why was he here now, years younger with round classes hanging on his nose and boyish features? She didn't know what was happening to her but she was happy to have him back. She finds that she's following him out of the basement and into a light corridor she's never seen before and isn't surprised at all of her actions. The light is blinding and she wonders if it's symbolic for all the times she followed him blindly. Maybe. But she wants to know what all of this is. "Mulder, where are we going?"

"That depends Scully, do you want to believe?"

"Always."

"Good; I've been waiting to prove Clyde Bruckman wrong for years and Will's been impatient waiting."

The light swarms around her; it's warm as it swims over her skin. She can hear the voices, and begins to walk faster, tears brimming in her eyes.

_Starbuck. Ginger. Pippy Longstockings. Dane. Dana. Dr. Scully. Dana. Scully. Scully. Scully. Mommy._

_Mommy._

She stops walking at the sound of her son's voice. Mulder is smiling and she can't help but feel the tug of her lips when he cups her face and smooths away the tear tracks. She can hear his voice in her ears and feel his hand on the small of her back, ushering her forward.

"Never give up on a miracle, Scully."

"Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it."  
― L.M. Montgomery,  _The Story Girl_

"Sometimes things become possible if we want them bad enough."  
― T.S. Eliot

* * *

 


End file.
